Gay Rights.

My heart jumped this morning when I heard about the Supreme Court hearings on same-sex marriage. Of course, like I always do, I broke out the handy dandy Google and did some reading. I am beyond excited at the possibility of equal rights for everyone, but at the same time, I'm tired of these rights being debated. It should be common sense. Those who oppose same-sex marriage are stuck in the past, pulling out excuses like "Marriage is for procreation!" and "Children can't be raised properly without a woman and a man!" God, it makes me sick.

Yeah, marriage used to be for procreation, but seeing as how overpopulated planet Earth is today, it seems irresponsible to get married for the soul purpose of making more babies. There are tons and tons of poor, parent-less children in the world, wishing and hoping for someone to take care of them and love them. Why the hell do people think its a smart idea to just leave these children in orphanages and on the streets and make more instead. Why would you leave a child hungry and alone like that? I'm completely at a loss to some people's thought processes. They're too selfish to comprehend.

Another factor playing a part in the fluctuation of the purpose of marriage is women's rights. Women aren't property anymore like they used to be considered. They don't live with their parents until they're woo'd by some dude who takes her to his place so she can clean his house and have a ton of kids. Women play huge parts in the workplace, politics, you name it. Women aren't cattle, women aren't to be bought and sold, and women aren't for making children. Therefore, neither is marriage. Once men and women reached equal rights, it was all over. Marriage was no longer a business deal between a man and the girls dad, it was no longer the guy going shopping for a girl to have his kids. It became a partnership between two people made out of the love that they shared, it became a commitment to each other, it was a sign of the bond that they shared, not a contract for baby making.

And why do opposers think that a child needs a man and a woman to raise them in order for them to grow up to be a good person? Take a look at how many traditional couples fuck their kids up. They beat them, they steal their medication, they sexually, physically, and mentally abuse them, they neglect them, the list goes on and on. How can you say that a gay couple would make bad parents when you aren't even good parents yourselves. I bet they would be just as loving and caring and give just as much attention to the wants and needs of their children as a heterosexual, traditional couple would. God, society is filled to the brim with hypocrites.

Why are our eyes still closed? Why is same-sex marriage even being debated? Love is love is love is love. Let two people love each other! How does it even effect you! If you don't like it, marry someone of the opposite sex, but don't ruin someone else's happiness because it conflicts with your closed minded, hypocritical, old fashioned views. Have we forgotten the civil rights movement? Have we not learned from the past? In the words of the musician Macklemore, "No freedom till we're equal, damn right that's important." I completely support my own and everyone's right to love and marry whomever we want to. No one should be discriminated against because of who they love. No one. Mutual respect and compassion, people, lets get on it.

Sex Education.

So I'm pretty concerned about the rising generations sex education. So many schools are preaching abstinence and depriving students of crucial knowledge about their bodies and sex in general. Instead of explaining how to prevent things like STIs and pregnancy, school systems are scaring teens with shock photos and horror stories to try to prevent them from ever having sex. This causes plenty of things that really scare me.

My number one problem with school systems that teach abstinence instead of giving the students real and helpful information about diseases and contraception, is that they equate sex with guilt. Suddenly the students think sex is some terrible sin and something to feel guilty about. Having such a negative emotion associated with sex can ruin sex for the students forever. They will be unable to share the experience with anyone because of how guilty and bad it makes them feel. They also feel unable to talk to their parents about sex because they feel like they'll get in trouble, like they'll be reprimanded and punished. Sex is not a bad, horrible thing. It is natural, and turning it into something guilt ridden and shaming is wrong on so many levels.

Second, ignorance is NOT bliss. Do you think that just because you don't teach students about something as natural as sex that they just won't do it? Oh no, everyone has sex. Lets think realistically. When I was in Sex Ed. class in high school, my classmates and I were shown disgusting photos of genetelia infected with STIs. These pictures were gruesome and unnecessarily graphic. Instead of showing us pictures of the first stages of STIs so we would be able to recognize them in the unfortunate event that we got one, they showed us full blown STI ridden tickly bits in order to scare us out of doing the jiggly dance. This was so detrimental. Because of this terrible teaching method, I bet dozens of teens waited until their nasty parts looked like ground beef before they actually went to the doctors, and at that point it would have been too late.

On an infinitely more serious note, preaching abstinence actually does the opposite and as a result increases the probability of STI and pregnancy. Teens are going to have sex. They're overwhelmed with hormones and they're impossibly curious. Just because you tell them not to haves sex doesn't mean they aren't going to, it just makes them feel badly about it and behave irresponsibly about it. They don't know to use condoms and using condoms may even be discourages in favor of abstinence. They could have no access to contraception and as a result contract an STI or become pregnant.

So I'm obviously at a loss as to why some people think its a good idea to teach students to not have sex instead of teaching them how to take care of themselves and be responsible. You're diluting yourselves if you think that the students aren't going to have sex just because you told them not to. What better thing to do that arm them with the knowledge and ability to protect themselves? By preaching abstinence in this modern and dangerous world, you are doing your students, your children, and your future generation a disservice. It is holding back progress. The need for change is obvious,

Please and Thank You.

Thank you. Two words, two syllables, ingrained into our minds by the people who raised us, and quite often over looked and underestimated. They express gratitude, they show acknowledgment to another for an impact they had on your life. As children we were taught that this was the most important word we could ever speak, but it goes hand in hand with another word, this one not so easy.

Please. The hardest word you will ever speak, and because of that, it is hardly ever spoken. It is a request, a favor, a pleading. It is vulnerability. Humanity as a whole would love to never have to utter such a word. To do so would mean to put yourself in another's hands and leave yourself open for rejection.

Society has become cruel and cold hearted, equating favors with mooching and turning away those truly in need. Please is laughed at, and the resulting hurt kills what would have been a closely following thank you. We live in an age ruled by money and driven by the philosophy "Whats in it for me?". We wait for others to give us something before we even consider giving them something in return, when truly it should be the other way around. We should be helping those who ask without a second thought, not turning them away because they may not have any way to help us. Why do people steal? Because they need something and they're too afraid to ask. Why are they too afraid to ask? Because they've been taught that if they make themselves vulnerable with please, their thank you will never be heard over the laughter and rejection. That knowledge catches the words in their throats and fills them with resentment.

It is this lack of mutual respect and compassion that is stimulating all the hate and cruelty evident in our society today. We hardly have any good examples of true morality any more, religion is corrupt, politics are seedy and slight handed, parents beat each other and divorce, and the school system is stripped down to a jail of math and science until the "liberating" age of eighteen. How can we tell people not to steal if we refuse to satisfy their choked out please? How can we tell people not to rape if we have no good example of respect and compassion to show them? How can we tell gay people what love is if the rates of domestic violence and divorce make it obvious that we have no clue either? How can we yell and fight about how society is falling to pieces when the answer to our problems is something we refuse to do on a daily basis?

Hear the please. Receive the thank you. Show the world that the heart is not only a beating, bleeding muscle, but a compassionate, giving, uplifting and selfless attitude. Change how we view each other, be the example others need. Help turn humanity from the divided, screaming pit of self serving monsters it is back into the unified, warm, encouraging family we know it can be. By satisfying the please, you take away the resentment and warm the jaded heart. By receiving the thank you, you are receiving the only thing you should ever want in return, acknowledgement and gratitude for the impact you've had on someone's life. Help me transform humanity.

Please.

A New Chapter.

I have now officially changed my college major from Choral Music Education to Communications with a minor in Women's and Gender Studies. Please take a moment to admire the exultant tones of the Hallelujah Chorus as I take a deep breath and realize that everything is going to be alight.

For the past eight months I have been struggling with the worst self esteem and confidence. I have been plagued with crippling stress and anxiety. I have been extremely unhappy and I was too afraid to mess things up to ever do anything about it. I was disappointed with the path I had chosen for my life; I was keeping with the same old same old. I had always stuck with music no matter what. It's what I did all through school, its what kept me going to church with my family, and its what kept me sane when shit hit the fan my senior year. So when college came around, it seemed only natural and oddly expected that I would chose music as my future profession.

That was my first mistake, I refused to seek out other options and explore other possibilities. I didn't ask any other music majors what it was like, I just decided to do it and stuck with it. Now, looking back, its obvious what a bad choice that was. I would hardly make an even half decent teacher and choir is my least favorite class. Turning music into a 24/7 ordeal was the worst part, it turned my muse into my chore. It was heartbreaking. I lost confidence in my voice and in my abilities as a musician, not because I wasn't good at it, but because I didn't love it in the "I can do this all day every day for the rest of my life" kind of way. I sought out help and encouragement from my professors and received none. Apparently its department policy to encourage the students to change their major if they express any interest in anything at all whatsoever.

My second mistake was sticking with it for so long even though I was miserable and falling apart at the seams. I first considered changing my major in my first semester of college, only a month or so in. The classes had picked up, which was fine, I've never struggled academically, but my voice lessons hadn't.  I felt like I wasn't improving. I didn't like the sound of my voice anymore, I sounded too jazzy when I was trying to sing classically, choir was the most grueling thing I'd ever endured, and no matter how hard I practiced, I felt like nothing ever seemed to change. But instead of following my instincts then, I decided to wait another semester and see if anything would change. Nothing ever did, in fact, things got worse.

And now I feel a huge, unwelcome weight lifted off of my shoulders and I feel happier and freer that I have ever felt. I've taken my life in my own hands and I've pushed it in a new direction. I do still have to finish my classes for the semester, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is so enticing. I cannot wait to see what my future has in store for me.

Like I said before, you've never known true elation until you have followed your dreams.

We Really Haven't Come That Far.

Boom. Anyone else see a problem here? Maybe more than one problem? Yesterday got my mind going about things that shouldn't be happening in the world. Those thoughts carried over to now and the result was this screen shot, which was taken from the handy dandy Google, the original of which you can see here. It's nothing special, just the definition of the word "marriage", but also a testimony of how we really haven't come that far.

First thing that caught my eye: "The formal union of a man and a woman." Ok. Yeah, cool, but it seems to be missing something. Let's go with the obvious. Haven't we been fighting for gay rights since before I was even born? I really don't think I have to continue or elaborate, we've all heard it, but have we really heard it? Apparently not, because marriage is still defined as "The formal union of a man and a woman", not "The formal union of whoever the hell wants to be formally united."

Second thing that caught my eye: "Typically recognized by law." What does the law have to do with marriage? Oh yeah, it "recognizes" your marriage so you can pay more taxes and give it more money. The biggest reason, in my opinion, that gay marriage is such a huge issue, is because the government thinks it can have some kind of input into who can love who and how much money they can get out of it. Marriage used to be two people taking some family and friends somewhere and pledging commitment to each other out of the love that they share. What does that have to do with the law? What does it have to do with anyone except the two people involved? It doesn't. It's no one else's business or place.

It's disgusting how entitled people act now. We all constantly feel the need to force our opinions on other people, or even express them, when really it's not our place. I'm even doing it right now by writing this. The love and commitment shared between two people is nobodies business but their own. It shouldn't be debated or questioned. It is their own personal decision, and the fact that society thinks they can make that choice for them really hurts my heart. Love is love is love is love is love. When will we open our eyes and realize that there are far more important things to worry about then who loves who and who wants to marry who? Gay rights, especially gay marriage, still being debated goes to show that we really are a group of entitled, selfish children. We really haven't come that far.

Victim Shaming.

For some reason, I had heard very little about the Steubenville, Ohio rape case before this morning. It wasn't until I saw a status update on Facebook that I decided to research it a little more. From what I had heard within the eleven or twelve hours between when I first read about it and now, a sixteen year old girl had been raped by two high school boys and the media was doing its best to make the rapists seem like the victims.

I really didn't think people could be that stupid. The rapists are suddenly the victims? Come on now. So I used the handy dandy Google to look into it. Literally the first article that came up was from CNN, the news network that was being bashed on Facebook for victimizing the rapists. You can read it here.

The story I got from this article was really close to the one from earlier, it just filled in some of the details. There was a sixteen year old girl who got really drunk at an end of summer party in August. Somehow these two football players got a hold of her and violated her in some way. Pictures were taken, some of it was recorded on people phones, tweets were made.... it goes on and on. The two football players, Trent Mays and M'alik Richmond were found guilty of raping the girl.

First thing that popped into my head: It doesn't seem like they're trying to victimize the rapists.... I had heard that CNN had said that the girl had "ruined the lives of these promising boys," that they had had "such great futures ahead of them," and "so much to offer to society." This article (from CNN) said no such thing. Yes, the video included showed Richmond breaking down into tears in court while apologizing for his crime, but he said, "I would like to apologize to you. I had no intention to do anything like that, and I'm sorry to put you guys through this. I just want you to realize that I'm sorry. I know I ruined her life, for life" (1:43-2:10), not "She wanted it, she was dressed like she wanted it, she was drunk, she made me do it, its her fault and I'm the victim." It said nothing like that in the article or the video. In fact, included in the video was a statement made by Ohio Attorney General Mike Dewine. "There seems to be an unbelievable casualness about rape and about sex. Its a caviler attitude, a belief that somehow there isn't anything wrong with any of this." There is absolutely nothing ok about rape. Everything is wrong about it. It is a stripping of human dignity and pride, an assertion of power over the unwilling.

Second thing that popped into my head: They received very light sentences. Put together, they didn't even amount to five years in a juvenile facility. They raped a girl, they should be really, really punished! How is it that they only received one year and three years apiece? I've been sitting here thinking for about an hour now and I still cannot come up with a good excuse. They raped the girl. They performed a sexual act on her without her consent, while she was drunk and unconscious no less. And then they took pictures and videos and sent them around the internet. They tweeted and texted about it to their friends. This girl didn't ask for that to happen to her, I can't think of anyone that would. That is a scaring and hurtful thing. If I was in her position, I would want to literally pack up my things and move to a different state where nobody knew me and I could start fresh. Who gave those boys the right to humiliate her in such a horrible way? And it doesn't matter that they didn't actually have sexual intercourse with her, RAPE is RAPE. They VIOLATED her. She was UNCONSCIOUS. There was no CONSENT. That is RAPE.

Third thing that popped into my head: Mays is a straight up asshole. Instead of apologizing for RAPING the girl, he says, "No pictures should have been sent out, let alone taken." That wasn't the problem kiddo, you must have missed the point entirely. You raped someone, the pictures are nothing compared to that. Put this kid back in Pre-K, he needs to start over with life. He's got some serious common sense issues to sort through.

Fourth thing that popped into my head (and my heart): It's really sad that rape is even a problem. We should all have mutual respect and compassion for one another. We shouldn't have to put high school children in juvenile facilities because they decided it was ok to abuse another human being in such a disgusting way. That shouldn't be happening. Society has become so desensitized and cruel. It is not ok to rape people, and the fact that there needs to be some kind of reminder is unnerving. It should just be common sense.

If you've been raped, there are plenty of hotlines you can call for help, one of which is the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE). Please, speak out and help raise awareness of rape and victim shaming. We shouldn't have to remind people to be decent human beings.

Less Serious Life Choices.

So even though it was a beautiful day and there were tons of fun things I could have done, I locked myself in the music building on my campus to practice. Next thing I know, it's been four hours and I've reached my limit. I packed my things up and began the walk back to my dorm room but I didn't make it ten steps out of the door before I was hit by freezing cold wind and temperatures that were suddenly below thirty degrees. I could have sworn there was supposed to be a high of sixty six. Weren't we all wearing shorts yesterday?? What happened!

That's one of the problems I've found, the crazy Virginia weather. One second it'll be raining, but no! Don't look away! In two seconds it'll be eighty degrees! So what do you do if you live across campus from the place where you spend the majority of your time? There's really only two answers.

Bundle up. I realize that we're all poor and our dorm rooms are impossibly small, but one of the things I really regret not buying or bringing with me to school is a winter coat. They can be big and bulky, and you may not always have a nice place to put them, but you're going to need them. Hang them on the back of your door when you're not using them. Roll them up, stuff them in a cute pillow case and throw them on your couch or bed. Use a stick on hook and hang them from the side of your desk. Either way, always make sure you have one, or you'll seriously regret it.

Find a faster way to class. A really popular thing to do on my campus is to longboard or ride a bike. Both can be expensive to buy, but they're worth it. You can sleep in a little later knowing that it'll only take three minutes to get to class, and you won't have to stay out in the cold for so long. But you have to remember to ALWAY LOCK YOUR BIKE. I've had mine stolen twice, and I actually went around campus with my roommates the second time and found my bike and the guy that stole it. You never know who's walking through campus, so it might not even be a student who takes your bike, and if that happens, there's a slim chance you're ever going to see it again. If a longboard or a bike are too expensive or you can't get them to you're school because they're too big or for whatever reason, there's another alternative. I have a friend that actually rides a razor scooter to and from classes. Is the cutest thing, and he can just fold it up and take it into his dorm room with him. It's smaller than a longboard and a lot smaller than a bike, so you can just throw it under your dest or a table when you're not using it.

Ok, I lied, there's one more thing you can do, but please don't judge me with this one. My roommates and I always seem to forget to do this, and there's no way we can be the only ones, so even though it seems like common sense, it's commonly forgotten. Check the weather. Most smart phones have a weather app, but if you don't have a smart phone, just check it online! It'll save you a ton of stress and discomfort later in the day, and with all the homework you already have, who needs any more stress. Its the easiest, simplest thing you can do.

Life Choices.

So I recently decided to change my major, which is a pretty big deal seeing as I've been doing the same thing my entire life. I'm a musician straight to my bones; I live, breathe, and speak music. If I could eat music, I probably would. I've performed solo and in groups since I was a little, all the way back to when I was around five years old, and its been a huge part of my life ever since. But then I decided to major in music in college, and it broke my heart when I realized what a mistake I'd made. Now, instead of music being my outlet, it's become the source of all my stress. I've never been this tired in my entire life. It's a 24/7 ordeal, a non stop circle of anxiety and self doubt. It's brought my confidence level down to a flat zero, and my passion, what I once loved, has turned into a chore. So, for the first time in my life, I skipped a class. I hid in a practice room for a good hour and a half, cried, and called my dad. I had reached my limit; I couldn't do it anymore.

So now I'm taking my life in an entirely different direction. Instead of sticking to my original plan of staying in school for five to six years and eventually becoming a music teacher, I'm majoring in Communications with the hopes of cosmetology school in my near future. I've honestly always wanted to do something different, but I was too scared to stray from what I'd only ever known. Even though its a huge life choice and everything's changed, I'm really truly happy. I feel like a huge weight has dropped off of me. I have a moment to think. I can breathe. Even though I haven't finished my music classes yet for the semester, I don't feel half as stressed knowing that it'll be different next year. I'm just trying to finish strong and move on.

I'm a little lost on what to do with the rest of my life. Now that I'm not constrained to one path, what do I do? What career should I peruse? What's my goal? It's really exciting, I've always felt like I only had one option; a music teacher. Now it seems like there are endless possibilities and I can chose any of them. I can make anything I want to out of my life. I'm happy.

You haven't known true elation until you have decided to follow your dreams.

Body Image.

I remember when I was around age ten (so many things happened when I was ten), I received a box of hand me downs from my cousin. Though most kids wouldn't have been, I was really excited. I always looked forward to these packages. Sometimes they happened to be big cardboard boxes, and sometimes they were knotted white trash bags, but they were always busting open with pre owned clothes. It made my mom happy and it made me happy. It meant I didn't have to go out to a store with her and fight over our distinctly different tastes in clothing. It was like shopping for free, right? Little did I know that that particular box would mark the beginning of my long winded struggle with my body image.

In the box, there were the normal articles of clothing that a teenage girl would possess, though because my cousin was a few years older than me, most of the pieces were a little too mature for my moms taste. There were a few OBX t's, some pairs of shorts, maybe a dress, but what I remember the best were the pants. I was always worried about pants. No pair of pants that I ever tried on in stores ever fit me properly, and my mom was never very... encouraging. They were either too long or tight around my waste, which was expected seeing as I am currently 4'11" and slightly pear shaped. My weight tended to stick like an inner tube around my tummy and hips, especially in my preteen years, so finding the perfect pair of pants always felt, and still feels like, searching for the holy grail. In this promising box my cousin sent me there were very few pairs of pants, in fact, there were only two and they were almost exactly the same. They were both the same style of cottony cargo-ish pants, but one pair was a size five and the other was a size seven. These are juniors sizes, not children's. So, I tried on the size fives first, thinking that because I was shorter, they would fit me better. That was hardly the case. I couldn't button them, and if I'm remembering correctly, I could barely get them up over my legs. So, my ten year old self pulled on the size sevens, which were also slightly tight, and stared at myself in my moms bathroom mirror and cried through the door to her about how I was "fat".

But was I really fat? I wasn't thin, that's for sure. I was very aware of my weight after that day, not the number but the size. Did I have an hour glass figure, was my tummy to round, were my arms flabby? No, I didn't look like a super model, I was ten years old. I was homeschooled, I didn't get as much physical activity as the average ten year old of 2003. I was home all the time, so I ate all the time. I also had next to no interaction with children my age, so the only things I had to compare my body to were the girls on television and the women on the covers of magazines at the grocery store.

Then, to top it all off, my mother enrolled me in private school, of which one of the requirements was a school uniform. I had the choice of wearing a button down Oxford or a white polo, paired with either a khaki skort (a skirt with shorts built in for those that don't know), a pair of khaki pants, or a plaid skirt. All of these items of clothing had to be ordered out of the L.L. Bean catalog, which slimmed my chances of actually getting the proper size down to zero. I kid you not, we had to send back five different orders before we got tired of it and tailored my pants ourselves. Because all of the school uniforms were in children's sizes, I had to get extra-larges in everything. My pants were too long and my shirts were too baggy, but that was that, my mom had had enough. All I could think about from age 12-14 was how I was wearing extra-larges. I wanted to be thin and pretty like the other girls in my class. Instead of sandwiches and cookies, I brought salads. And by salads I mean a Tupperware container of literally just lettuce. Nothing else.

At that point I was worried about boys liking me. I started to notice that the girl that got the most attention was beautiful and sporty, tan and thin. It was almost like the recipe for the hottest chick. I began tallying things in my head. My forehead was too small, check. My hair was too short, check. My tummy was too big, check. My uniforms were huge and terribly unflattering. Instead of being skinny and sporty, I was curvier and heavier than the other girls. In my mind I was the ugliest thing, fat and extremely un attractive.

Then came the problems. As the end of eighth grade and my time in private school began to draw to a close, I rapidly began losing weight. Most of it was due to my steady diet of nothing and the occasional bowl of just lettuce. My hair grew really long, and instead of looking like a bigger, frumpier girl with huge uniforms, I looked like a slightly curvier, thinner girl with unfortunately large clothes. Que high school, and multiply the amount of walking I was doing by a trillion. I also developed a weird reaction to stress. Whenever I was extremely anxious, which was practically all of the time, I would become violently, disgustingly ill. Suddenly, my weight disappeared, but that doesn't mean my insecurities did too. They just quieted down for a bit.

Now I'm in college and its back to the same old same old. I'm not going to blame my terrible body image on the media like everyone else. I should have enough common sense to know that most of the pictures in the magazines are photoshopped and normal girls are not a size zero and crazy thin. They're just that, normal girls. But my weight still collects around my waste and my hips and all I see is fat. My forehead is still too small and my hair is still too short. But what I and the rest of the worlds population need to realize is that we are comparing ourselves to something fake. How do I know my waste is too wide? Because I don't fit a size zero. Why do I think my forehead is too small? Because the photoshopped pictures of beautiful women say so. But we shouldn't be trying to mold ourselves to a cookie cutter beauty recipe. The most beautiful person we know should be ourselves, we should love ourselves that much. We all have things that make us beautiful, wether it be our smiles or our senses of humor. We just need to recognize them. My wide hips? They aren't a flaw, they're unique to me. My super round face? It makes for a really big smile. My narrow eyes? They sparkle when I'm happy. So who cares if you're bigger or smaller, ultra thin or ultra large. No one deserves to sit in their bathroom and cry because they don't fit into a standard size of pants. No one should ever do that to themselves. Everyone deserves to love every single one of their unique and equally beautiful differences, they're what makes us all special.