A New Chapter.

I have now officially changed my college major from Choral Music Education to Communications with a minor in Women's and Gender Studies. Please take a moment to admire the exultant tones of the Hallelujah Chorus as I take a deep breath and realize that everything is going to be alight.

For the past eight months I have been struggling with the worst self esteem and confidence. I have been plagued with crippling stress and anxiety. I have been extremely unhappy and I was too afraid to mess things up to ever do anything about it. I was disappointed with the path I had chosen for my life; I was keeping with the same old same old. I had always stuck with music no matter what. It's what I did all through school, its what kept me going to church with my family, and its what kept me sane when shit hit the fan my senior year. So when college came around, it seemed only natural and oddly expected that I would chose music as my future profession.

That was my first mistake, I refused to seek out other options and explore other possibilities. I didn't ask any other music majors what it was like, I just decided to do it and stuck with it. Now, looking back, its obvious what a bad choice that was. I would hardly make an even half decent teacher and choir is my least favorite class. Turning music into a 24/7 ordeal was the worst part, it turned my muse into my chore. It was heartbreaking. I lost confidence in my voice and in my abilities as a musician, not because I wasn't good at it, but because I didn't love it in the "I can do this all day every day for the rest of my life" kind of way. I sought out help and encouragement from my professors and received none. Apparently its department policy to encourage the students to change their major if they express any interest in anything at all whatsoever.

My second mistake was sticking with it for so long even though I was miserable and falling apart at the seams. I first considered changing my major in my first semester of college, only a month or so in. The classes had picked up, which was fine, I've never struggled academically, but my voice lessons hadn't.  I felt like I wasn't improving. I didn't like the sound of my voice anymore, I sounded too jazzy when I was trying to sing classically, choir was the most grueling thing I'd ever endured, and no matter how hard I practiced, I felt like nothing ever seemed to change. But instead of following my instincts then, I decided to wait another semester and see if anything would change. Nothing ever did, in fact, things got worse.

And now I feel a huge, unwelcome weight lifted off of my shoulders and I feel happier and freer that I have ever felt. I've taken my life in my own hands and I've pushed it in a new direction. I do still have to finish my classes for the semester, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is so enticing. I cannot wait to see what my future has in store for me.

Like I said before, you've never known true elation until you have followed your dreams.